Can We All Agree That Global Warming is Behind Us?

No one talks about this anymore, so I'm declaring victory, quietly.

Look out! They've got us surrounded!

I knew it was all baloney from day one, and I'm not ashamed to say it.
It wasn't always this way though. I used to have to "toe the line" like
everyone else. In fact here's an old email from work where I had to prove
my Green credentials to avoid being pointed at and pooh-poohed:

******
My loyalty to the company is beyond dispute and a matter of record. I have
already spearheaded an initiative to reduce carbon emissions not only at my
desk, but at every desk in the company. Here are the highlights:

1) Friction is a form of heat energy. If 1000 employees eat at their desks
the friction created by their chewing would be enough to power the
International Space Station indefinitely, and would be the equivalent of
cutting down an area of the rainforest equal to size of France every 22
minutes. Therefore employees may only chew twice during their meals- once
for the main course, once for dessert.

2) Every time an employee using a single Post-It an area of the Serengeti
Plain equivalent to the size of North America is burned to support it.
Therefore Post-Its are banned, and Tattoo machines will be set up in each
department so that notes can be inked directly onto employees skin, which
is a renewable resource.

3) The following items/foodstuffs will be banned as either causing an area
of the Ukrainian Steppe the size of Mars to disappear every 8 seconds OR as
being exploitative of insects and other critters:
Coffee
Bread
Honey
Chocolate
Salami
Gravy, Beef
Gravy, Pork
Gravy, Sawmill (Sausage)
Eyebrows
Polo shirts
Paper
Computers
Human Souls

Thank you for your cooperation.

-Mandrake