Exoplanets are Not the Answer

"Hundreds of planets around other stars have been discovered recently,
but many centuries may pass before human eyes actually see them up close.
Ultimately mankind will have to colonize these worlds to survive and avoid
environmental catastrophe." 

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Hey, I'd be only too glad to move to a new planet, where french fries have
no cholesterol and bookies can no longer find me. Unfortunately the planets
they have found so far have their drawbacks:

Huge Planet circling large red star:
First of all the high gravity means fat guys don't stand a chance, and thin guys
will be pinned under their bedsheets. Secondly, the sky is always red, making
every street a red light district, confusing pimps and prostitutes and putting the
makers of Infra-Red goggles out of business.

All-Water worlds:
Well, reading a newspaper is now out of the question. Swimming will be the
only sport, boring people to death. You're local Red Lobster won't be a
restaurant, but your neighbour, possibly your town mayor.

Tiny moon circling a gas giant (like Jupiter):
18-hole golf courses will only exist in your dreams- even mini-putt courses
will only have 4 holes. On the upside, a full revolution of the moon will
only take three hours, so your work day will be considerably shorter.
Unfortunately everyone's mailbox will be choked with monthly magazines
and other periodicals every 36 hours.



Mandrake

Jimmy Olsen?!!?!? Don't Get Me Started

 
Are you as annoyed by Jimmy Olsen as I am? Look at him counting the filthy
money!

I think the worst thing about Jimmy Olsen is that he is uninteresting and
has a small vocabulary. After all, most of his comments are about Superman
doing something, like flipping pancakes at a County Fair, where he'd say
"Looks like he's doing some Super-Pancake flipping!!!", and there would be
a panel of Superman whipping up giant stacks of pancakes at super speed.
This is of course impossible- pancakes must take time to cook and must be
on a small area of the griddle. If it were to work, Superman would have to
use his heat-vision on pancakes in mid-air. Then, realizing he forgot the
syrup, Superman would have to stomp Jimmy into Orange Marmalade.

THE END

Mandrake

You Thought AVATAR Was Good? This is WAY better

What would make a great movie is where the humans land and demand
treasure from the natives. Then the natives say "with our brothers we will
share". Then the humans kill them all, go to the top of the hill and lift
the rock that guards the treasure, then look beneath it- "Peace on Earth"
was all it said. Then the angry humans shoot the alien corpses with
Ray-Guns for forty minutes, pausing only to use the lifeless bodies as
macabre puppets in some hideous, but funny, play. Then they find the gold
that the lying natives buried on the other side of the planet.

Cut! Print it!

Mandrake

Send Monsters Into Space

Space flight IS expensive, so we need to start thinking out of the box. The
current box is manned missions to Mars; clearly this won't happen anytime
soon. We have to start considering sending the hardiest and most expendable
earth creature into space- yes, I'm referring to the Gila Monster (aka Hila
Monster). An expendable Gila Monster space suit could be developed for
under 3 million dollars. Picture a Mars rover with a Gila Monster's front
legs tied to the controls as it roves all over the planet, its breath
partially fogging its helmet. Then picture an accidental explosion where
the little pilot is blown into the sky only to fall into the camera's view
looking sort of like a baked chicken with a tattered, smoking space suit on
it. Sad, yes! But Hiroshima it isn't. Money is saved, lives are saved,
what's not to like about this idea?

Synchonistic element- I was thinking of Gila Monsters seconds before I
wrote this email.
Interesting, No?

Mandrake

Naming Stuff After Yourself is Bad

100 years ago today Leo Fender was born, the inventor of the Fender guitar.
He humbly named it after himself (all artists are humble) in the tradition
of the following:

Sandwich- Earl of Sandwich
Xerox- Johnny Xerox
Breadbox- Albert H. Breadbox Jr.
Hatchet- Chet Hatt
Hammer- Hammurabi
Glucose- Glenn Close








Mandrake

Advice to Co-Workers Going on Holiday

Folks,

Just to make sure we all get back here refreshed and ready to be
productive, here is some advice to consider:

1) In the event that the hot-air balloon you're flying in explodes, don't
walk into the light- there is work on your desk that still need taking
care of.

2) If you are strip-searched by Turkish border guards and they find the
Uranium ingots you taped to your body, tell them you don't know how they
got there; They'll probably let you go. If not, tell them there is work on your
desk that needs doing. That should convince them.

3) When getting into the barrel to go over Niagara Falls, bring a laptop so
you can finish off some paperwork,like efficiency reports during any down-time.
Be sure you can pick up a wireless network when the lid is closed.

4) Time Travellers should remember this important rule- if captured by
Romans, Mesopotamians, Nazis, Communists, or French Revolutionaries, tell
them nothing about the company's brilliant morale/productivity boosting plans
like 'Pizza Thursday', no matter what they do to you.

Now you'e ready for your vacation.

Mandrake

Government Lasers; my idea is better

*Solid-State Laser Ready For On-Board Tests*
A U.S. Navy plan to test a high-power laser against the small-boat threat
to its warships provides the first real opportunity to transition electric lasers
from the laboratory to the field, says Northrop Grumman, which has won
a $98-million contract for the Maritime Laser Demonstration (MLD).
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THIS is a barrage balloon

Dear Sirs,

Sounds expensive. My idea is cheaper and more effective. What you do, see,
is take some of the Barrage Balloons out of mothballs and float them over
each military ship. Then when unidentified boats come close, you project a
movie against it, the type of movie depending on the range to target. If
they are in the outer danger zone, you show a movie of a guy being put in
handcuffs and manhandled into the back of a police cruiser, or someone
kacking on their flag. The closer the boats get to the ship, the movies
become more explicit, until they are showing a closeup of somebody's nards
getting crushed by a berserk gorilla, or a Sea Javelin missile incinerating
their favorite restaurant.

The danger of course in a counter measure like somehow projecting a shadow
of someone making a rabbit sign on the screen.

Sincerely,

Mandrake