Six-Shooters are a HOOT!

Ever since the dawn of time, man has wanted to handle western six-shooters. You know, spin them, slide them into holsters, cock and shoot them etc. When I was a kid we all had cap-guns and used up enough friendly gunpowder to power a small sun. And we got to talk stupid, too, saying words like "side-winder" and "varmint" in sentences like "reach for the sky, you side-winding varmint" and similar hilarity. We would try it on local stray dogs occasionally and often had to run for our lives from them, and from bullies who didn't share our sense of adventure. I should also mention that *none* of us turned out "weird" or anything, except maybe my friend Steve who tried to blow up a Ken doll using 60 pounds of cap-gun ammo with a box of safety matches. I should mention that he was 31 years old at the time.

Well anyway, at last man has advanced to the point of making six-guns available for the common man (no thanks to the Monoliths).  Well, a bunch of my brothers and nephews broke their piggy-banks and ponied up the money to buy a whole passel of replica six-guns. These suckers have the same weight and mechanisms of the real things, only they can't actually shoot real bullets. I know what you're thinking- "That's dumb". Sorry, but the truth is YOU'RE DUMB.

See what I mean? Everybody wins with six-shooters! Look at him smile!

Let me tell you something before you pass judgment. What makes more sense: people getting together to drink Martinis and talk about taxes and lawns, or sitting around the den, spinning and waving six-shooters, pointing them at each other while laughing like madmen? Yes, maybe in your buttoned-down world of fine wines and dinner parties with Oso Bucco on the table you don't spin revolvers backwards and forwards, occasionally dropping them on the kitchen tiles, chipping them and getting shouted at. Where else am I supposed to practice? The kitchen is the best-lit room in the house!

There are many fringe benefits to sitting around watching Westerns when everyone in the room is armed. First, you try and get the drop on somebody who's not paying attention, and disarm him. Then there's the cliche phrases you get to use as you draw and cock your Navy Colt and point it at your neighbour, such as "Smile when you say that" or "When you call me Shorty, say 'Mister' my friend- maybe you'd rather be dead?!?". Pretty soon everyone's practicing their quick draws, border-rolls and spins. Guns are crashing into vases, through windows, people are spraining wrists and your mother is stomping downstairs to give you a lecture on growing up. Did I mention my mother is 85 and the average age of our "posse" is about 40? Maybe I shouldn't.

So listen here pardner, don't be some boring dope who plays squash and doesn't own broken or chipped furniture. Get yourself a six-gun today. It was good enough for Tonto. It's good enough for you.

Offered by my wife after the kitchen tile incident

Mandrake the Low-Down Bushwhacking-Sidewinder

PS-
I almost forgot. Having a gunslinger party is a great way to get/give a cool Western nickname. So far we've got "Kansas City", "Mississippi" and the "Pea-Green Rebel" (Me).

Poseurs Beware Part II

You know, if B.O.B. can wear a monocle to the Grammy's (see "Poseurs Beware") and ruin my life, I figure I can return the favour. I have therefore decided to join the ranks of the Rapper community under the name of 'Legal Tender', or 'Legal TenDAH'. A possible variation would most likely be 'L. Eagle Tender'. I guess I could claim that my real name is "Lee Goaltender" (instead of Mandrake, which is my real name) which would give me amazing cred with the influential Hockey community. Lessee, what else do I need aside from a rap name? I would of course need a monocle (got that already).

DJ Commandant Klink: O, Oh-Oh, the Hu-Hu-Humanity-FOOL

I would also need a discography. Here are some song titles I came up with that will make B.O.B. live in mortal fear of me, career-wise:

-Slap My Ostrich Up
-Alcatraz Is My 'Hood
-Sass' My Dictator
-Economic Action Plan (Featuring 'Stolin Kurrency')
-Golfing On the Titanic
-Put a Little Lead In Your Heart (featuring 'Am'bitious Colt 45')

Finally, to make people forget B.O.B., I need to come up with a catch phrase that becomes SO BIG that people forget anything that ever happened before it became popular, like Calvin Coolidge or even Atomic energy.

How about "That's PLOW™"! As in 'that's bad', or 'that's terrible', or maybe to replace the word 'bogus'.

plow also plough  (plou)

n.

1. A farm implement consisting of a heavy blade at the end of a beam, usually hitched to a draft team or motor vehicle and used for breaking up soil and cutting furrows in preparation for sowing.

2. An implement of similar function, such as a snowplow.

3. A statement expressing disapproval of an object, person or event, as in: "Did you see B.O.B. wearing a monocle at the Grammys? Yeah, that was PLOW™, man". 

Don't worry, I'll remember all the little people when I'm famous.

Mandrake

Poseurs Beware!

Last night during the Grammy Award presentation, B.O.B, some rapper I never heard of before, sported a MONOCLE as he gave his crappy and contrived acceptance speech!!!!! Let me tell you something you may not know about me- last year I started to wear a monocle around to annoy people at work! I HAVE DOZENS OF WITNESSES!!!! Have you any idea how many times I pulled an "I Say", or after someone insulted me, I would put the monocle to my eye, look them over from head to foot, and then roll my eyes in disgust! Oh, I couldn't be more angry.

PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1

Now poseurs will come pouring out of the woodwork wearing monocles! Not classic ones, mind you, but with pink frames, racing stripes, i-Phone jacks....I.....I'm going MAD! MAD! Now I'm nauseous! Everything is spinning! My shtick is totally ruined! Is Hollywood bugging my house? How can I know? Wait... I have other shtick that will be the canary-in-the-coal-mine for me. I've always wanted a steel hand to replace my boring ol' left hand, an eyepatch with a cool scar running across and underneath it, and a wooden leg (either will do). If you see a guy like that accept a Grammy next year, you'll know the balloon is up and I've declared war on the West Coast. My last, best, 'thing' is my dream of owning a sport coat made of grass (actual grass- like your lawn. Beat it, you pot-heads!) with a tiny lawnmower that fits in your pocket to keep it looking even. If some guy shows up wearing that, I'm moving to the moon with that cat from the cartoon.

AAAAAAGGHHHHH! I say again, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Sincerely,

Mandrake

Journal of a Shipwrecked man, Part Three

Work is boring. Oh gosh, its boring. SO BORING. I am in fear of
being bored to death.... I hope death is not as boring as work,
because where do you go from there? It's not like you can say "I'm
bored to life", because life is so boring sometimes you are in
danger of being bored to death. I guess this is how Buddhism got
started. I hope they're wrong, because Nirvana strikes me as being
particularly boring. I don't know about you, but I'm hoping in the
afterlife you get to drive tanks over chicken-coops at 60 miles/hour
while being pursued by Hillbillies waving shotguns and shaking their
fists at you. Damn Hillbillies! Did I mention that the roads are
made of pancakes?Also there are robots running amok.

Say it ain't so, 1-A !!!!

Where was I? Oh yes, loneliness. Until they invent low-cost robots
who tell you interesting stories about running amok or how they are
impervious to things, I guess I shall remain lonely. Either that or
I'll break the monotony by calling 411 and telling them there's an
emergency. Here's how you do it, exactly:

Me: There's an emergency!
411: Sir, this is information.
Me: Yes, it is! I'm being over-run! You need this information!
411: No, I mean this is telephone information- you want '911'.
Me: 911? What, that lousy Michael Moore movie??!?!?
411: I mean 911 emergency!!!!
Me: Hold on (putting phone down, walking away, then back). Never
mind, they've gone.
411: Who is gone?
Me: Hah! I KNEW you were more interested in emergencies than
in giving out "Horace H. Whatsisname's" number to some boring guy.
411: *click*

Mandrake

Journal of a Shipwrecked man, Part Two

Some days on this island Earth I feel carefree and consequently
without a care. Other days I feel as if every human being on the
planet is pointing a gun at me, and when I look to God, He's holding
a stick of dynamite. This is why feelings must be put aside when you
are a castaway, because feelings can deceive you and are often
stupid. Like that time last week that I felt secure lying in my
hammock in the jungle, when in actual fact I was I was floating on
some seaweed two miles off shore. As I frantically swam back to the
beach, surrounded by sharks wearing bibs with an image of a swimmer
on them, I again felt secure as I noticed the image was of a man
dog-paddling, while I was doing the backstroke.

"Hi Mom, We're number FOUR!!!!!"

Sitting on the beach I scanned the horizon. No ships. I was still
alone. I spied my favorite coconut hat about 200 yards off shore, my
lucky one, the one that I had carved "Rosebud" across the front of.
Now a shark was wearing it (at a jaunty tilt), while another held a
mirror for him. Or it might have been a wave. Can't trust your eyes
either, it seems.

Mandrake

Flying Car? My EYE!

Looks like the Flying Car is finally upon us. No fooling, here's the website. I know what you're thinking- "Where's the cup-holders"? That's the first thing I thought of too. Anyway, they need a $10,000 airframe deposit, then you get to wait in line until they finally roll off the production line. You might as well wait in FantasyIllusionLand (not to be confused with the Aleutian Islands) because you're as likely to marry Cinderella as you are to lay hands on your Flying Car. It's never going to happen.

Grocery shopping: So it's Brie, Caviar, wait... White or Black Sea? Better call home

While cool, this device is in fact useless except to escape a sort of "Zombie Dawn" scenario, or to get away from visiting In-Laws (and your Priest-Hole is having renovations done). You can't really just drive it around- your insurance cost would be $50,000/month, considering a fender-bender would ground you. Picture a traffic jam, where all the enthusiasts are getting out of their vehicles and setting up the wings, using the shoulder of the road for a runway. It'll make Pearl Harbor look like some minor misunderstanding, or an average swim meet.

OOPS! Forgot the milk and aspirin- back in a sec

Getting back to that whole "Zombie Dawn" idea. Oh how the neighbors will just die with envy as the zombies are killing them to the sound of your engines *whooshing* you out of trouble. "That's right suckers! You laughed when my house was foreclosed on after buying my Flying Car, or how my wife joined that convent and my kids became Communists, BUT WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?" 

Anyway, my final assessment: put a rear-firing flamerthrower and two extra cupholders on it, and you've got something.

Mandrake

People of Earth

Alien: 'You of Earth are unstable'          Earthers: 'I know you are but what am I?'

There's lots of talk on this planet lately of life-on other planets and habitable planets blah-blah-blah-lets-cut-to-the-chase: are aliens going to visit us or not? But have you considered this- if there were aliens, and they landed in Washington in a highly publicized event, what would be the worst-case scenario of what came out of the saucer door? Some suggestions:

1) Really Angry 15 foot tall Squids

2) Moderate-sized Blobs that ooze poo and pee

3) Space Indians here to trade us Techno-Beads for gold and furs

4) Michael Rennie, pictured above, but 30% more preachy than in the movie

5) Keanu Reeves under any circumstances

6) An alien that looked like Bert from Sesame Street, but had a potty-mouth and smoked cigars indoors

7) 150-foot tall humanoids like us in every other way. Then we'd have to build over-sized chairs for them and put on really expensive BBQs.

8) Crap-Midases. Like King Midas, but instead of gold everything they touch turns to crap

9) Soup Aliens that look and smell like tantalizing bowls of soup...mmmmm wait! We need them alive!


It could be worse, but I'm not sure how.

Mandrake

This TIME it's Personal!

Top 10 Greatest Clashes at Sea
TIME looks at  clashes at sea that sent ripples far and near

Okay, I'm not saying that TIME magazine's editorial staff are drunken frat boys, or anything like that. I'm also not going to say that they have clearly NEVER READ A HISTORY BOOK. Just because they left the battles of Lepanto and Salamis out while including the RMS Titanic vs an Over Sized Ice-Cube™, I'm not going to say 'Fellows, what gives?'. Here's their brilliant list (remember, these are THE GREATEST clashes):

• Freedom Flotilla vs. Israeli Defense Forces
• Defeat of the Spanish Armada
• Ship v. Iceberg: The RMS Titanic
• Sinking of the ROKS Cheonan
• The Battle of Trafalgar
• US Navy vs. Somali Pirates
• Destruction of the Athenian Navy
• Battle of Midway
• Sea Shepherd Vs. Japan
• Gulf of Tonkin Incident

I bet the mediums and editors at TIME are kicking themselves that they didn't back-check this list they got from the ghost of Timothy Leary. Usually they go straight to Bazooka Joe, or in a pinch, Gottfried Von Schnitzel, the thirteen year old who fetches doughnuts for the staff.

'His name just seems so d*mned convincing!'

West-Atlantic Turf war, or duel long-delayed?

Yes, that whole Iceberg vs the Titanic was some battle. It was of course a grudge-match, the Titanic looking to square off with pieces of the Polar Ice Cap all season, while the Iceberg planned to ambush the ship as it was taking a shower or looking up wistfully at the Aurora Borealis. Later, the case of "The People Vs The North Pole" was thrown out of court when the frozen wasteland pleaded insanity.

Mandrake