The Taming of the Shrimp: 'Be Prepared' to Avoid Mirrors!

From Cool to Fool; from Oh Wow! to Chairman Mao

Looks like the Scouts have got a new look... a wrong look, but one that matches the general slide into the boring, grey universe we call the 21st century, where Indian-Fighting Cardinals and Dynamite are not welcome (even Godzilla needs a special visa to get in). See, Scouts is not supposed to be about making sugar-free Jello out of mulberry leaves or writing your congressman about saving wetlands.

It's supposed to be like when I was in Scouts- half-starved kids jumping out of trees onto ferocious jaguars armed with pen-knives (the Scouts, not the jaguars), battling for their meat and skins for our lives, or making campfires so huge you could see them from the latest Apollo mission in space. OK, maybe we didn't do that kind of stuff, BUT WE DREAMED ABOUT IT. Our heroes were Chuck "Chunk" Yaeger and maybe Zorro- men of action. Some of us liked Abe Lincoln, because he freed the slaves AND invented Graeco-Roman wrestling, or so we thought at the time.

Listen, Scouting was started out as a way to turn boys into men, get them to be self-sufficient and active-minded, and maybe backup the Cops, at least in the schoolyards. Also they were meant to be custodians of the various knots you can make with rope.

"See Billy? Use the sheet-bend to tie up Vampires, and the clove-hitch for Werewolves"

See, the old uniform says 'hand me a broken broomstick and I'll start ferreting out commies and their jaguar allies when the balloon goes up'. Just what does the new uniform say to you? Be honest! It says something like 'We're collecting cardboard to make a shanty-town for retired Manatees', or 'Hurray, just I got my badge in software installation!". They've already taken away their knives for pity sake (see previous posts), now the cool uniform that made you look like some kind of explorer in the Amazon, the stuff dreams are made of. Next they'll come for the snappy salute.

Baden Powell once said "A Scout is never taken by surprise; he knows exactly what to do when anything unexpected happens." I'm pretty sure he never saw this coming.

Suffice it to say Baden-Powell is spinning in his grave. In fact he's so upset he totally missed having tea with Gordon of Khartoum this afternoon.


Mandrake

Fixing Hollywood, Part III: Ask Not What Hollywood Can Do For You

One of the biggest problems with Hollywood is the gigantic egos of the Stars. Some famous examples are Christian Bale's freakout on the set of Terminator IV. Mind you, the realization that the film was laughably bad might have unhinged him during the shoot. Then there was that time William Shatner ran over Justin Timberlake with his SUV, and then had the audacity to claim the subsequent car-wash as a tax write off. Now I might have dreamed that last one, but so did you, so we're even.

Me? Pay for a Car-Wash?!!? Do you know who I am? 

Remember the Oscars a few years back when some of the Stars complained that their gift baskets were not up to snuff? The nerve! It's a gift, you Baked-Alaskans! They don't owe it to you! Here's a little sample of the kind of stuff they got:

-Gourmet artisan chocolate creations from Chocolatines by Sweet Endeavours that will sweeten the bitter Oscar loss with a 16-piece Contempo Collection, Chocolate-dipped Bacon, Matcha Sesame Bark, Mini Lux Turtles and Diamond Collection Champagne Ganache

-Fancy Feast's "Celebrate the Moment" gift package including a FlipCam Mino, Tiffany crystal-studded cat collar and an assortment of Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats

-$4,000 limited edition (only 125 made) luxury Leather Travel Bag from Victorinox, makers of the Original Swiss Army Knife

-Private island vacation at the Turks & Caicos Sporting Club at Ambergris Clay

-La Peau Couture Organic Wrinkle Diminishing Serum (priced at $499 per jar)

Now I like Diminishing Serum as much as the next guy, but you won't see me whining like Annakin Skywalker to the Jedi Council if I don't get any for free. What about the crazy stuff they demand in their contracts, like a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room, with all the red ones removed, placed in a rocket and fired into space? Someone needs to set an example for these people so we can get on with the business of quality movie making. If I ever make it to Hollywood, my demands would be more practical and sensible:

-A Dominoes Pizza kiosk in my dressing room

-Spiderman as my personal assistance/houseboy

-Portal to another dimension (dimension to be specified later)

Thank you for your time.

Mandrake

The Good Old Daze

I come from the Good Old Days™, a time when folks took things easy, except for Communism and maybe the Alien threat. Other than those two things we were swimming in butter, and sometimes in gravy, and when they came out with "Gravy Butter", well, let me tell you brother, we swam in it. There were also contests where dolls showed off their legs and guys would stare at them for hours. We called them "staring contests", and unlike these days, it didn't carry the death sentence, because we were all taking it easy.

It wasn't a crime back then

To be honest, it wasn't all Lollipops and Moon-Pies. In fact when I was little, gravity wasn't free. If you didn't put a nickel in the meter in front of your house, your dog would float all the way to Pluto (that's how Mickey's dog got his name). Since knives hadn't been invented yet, you had to cut loaves of bread and salami with skates (incidentally, Speed-Carving was a Winter Olympic event until 1968). There was no "baseball" or even "stickball" since wood was $1000/lbs. We had to play soccer in the middle of a lake because fields and shores were owned by wealthy fatcats who never shared. Brothers and sisters weren't invented until 1977, so we had to talk to life-like puppets when we needed the advice of older siblings.

Those were the good old days.

Mandrake

Mandrake's Mystical Mailbag

I don't USUALLY answer people's mail, although sometimes I answer mail addressed to me. So anyway, here goes:
 
* * *
Dear Mandrake,

I ride the bus to work every day, and I don't think I can stand it anymore. People are just too damned ugly! Should I buy a car?

Sincerely,

Zira
* * *

Hey Zira, walk the walk!

Sounds like the world's got you down, Zira. See, if you would consent to drive an earth-rescuing car instead of bus, your perspective would change entirely. When you drive,

-People become nothing more than insects/targets that you can avoid or destroy at your leisure. Hipsters, Hare Krishnas, Botanists, Nazis and Civil servants all sort of blend into a middle aged man of middle height wearing a gray coat.

-On a bus, your odds of sitting beside deposed Haitian Dictator Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier are about 1 in 175,000,000, maybe even less, 'cause he's dead. BUT your chance of sitting beside Cher, a much more frightening prospect, are only 1 in 27,455,309. If you want to play the odds, be my guest, Mrs. Daredevil. As for me I'd rather not risk it.

-People become less revolting because you have no time to focus on their facial imperfections or greasy Mongol mustache/beards, or sweat that looks like some kind of bear grease. In fact, the refraction of your windshield has been scientifically proven to make people look 15% more palatable.

-As (effectively) your own rocket ship Captain, you come and go as you please; if you decide on a little side-trip to pick up a snow-cone or some ammunition, it's nobody's business but yours and possibly the police's.

-There's always a seat for you, unless you arrive at your car and find the Ghost Czar™ pretending he was allowed/capable of operating a car. This would be a rare occurrence, however.

Keep'em flying!

Mandrake

The Bogeyman Revisited

The other day at around 5:30am I was having breakfast with my wife at the kitchen table. Being late winter, it was still dark out. I was chatting away about how Boris Karloff would have made a great President when she suddenly looked past me down the corridor, with a look like she was having a 'journey into fear' on her face.

Not having heard a sound, I looked her square in the eye without turning and said

"Is it the bogeyman? Don't sugar-coat it".

True story.

If this is not the Bogeyman, I'd hate to meet the Bogeyman

I have a feeling that taunting the bogeyman in previous posts MAY have been a mistake. Clearly the bogeyman can destroy you anytime he wants, and he knows you know it. That's why he toys with people, such that they get spooked at shadows and sounds at night which ARE IN FACT the Bogeyman, and he gets a big laugh when people say "it was probably nothing". While you're lulling yourself into a false sense of security, he's in your bathroom practicing ambushing you while you brush your teeth. He probably works on the "crush-your-intestines-with-one-hand" move, aka "The Claw" in the full-length mirror. Then most likely he stuffs your toothbrush up his nose, putting it back exactly where it was so you're none the wiser.

WAY too late, buddy.

Mandrake

Second-String Monsters, Part I

When Shelley wrote Frankenstein, I'm sure the possibility of her writing "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein" seemed remote indeed. Same deal with Bram Stoker and Dracula; "Billy The Kid vs Dracula" may have been idly scribbled on a napkin as he took his third hit of opium that afternoon, but if he did, he probably used the napkin to wipe the drool/sweat off his face a few minutes later. Where am I going with this? I think the following picture says it all:

That's right baby... I'm DRACULA!

Only it's not Dracula. It's the usually suave and effete Baron "Meinster" of Transylvania. "Did you say 'Baron Monster', herr Mandrake"? Nein!! I said Meinster, because that's the dude's name. Very catchy, huh? Just in case you saw him at the beginning of the film and didn't figure out he was a vampire, the writer thought he'd give you a subtle hint, about as subtle as the guy on the pizza box with the chef's hat giving you the "OK" signal. So it turns out that even though the film is called "Brides of Dracula", Dracula's not in it, at all. What gives, Count? It's not like you're getting a tan in Bermuda. Can it be that the audience had 'Dracula Fatigue™' (a very real condition)? Not likely, because that didn't really take hold until the 1990's. We all know that Dracula finally called it a day and staked himself in the heart when the vacuous, voguing vampires of 'Twilight' showed up, what with the sensitivity and the no killing humans policy that makes me boo them loudly even as I write this. But that was all in the future 40-50 years ago.

I think it just came down to Dracula being really busy during the 60's and 70's. Add to that the fact that he usually dies at the end of every film. Take a look at this small sampling of his works:

Dracula, Prince of Darkness – 1966
Dracula Has Risen From the Grave* – 1968
  *(Isn't that the whole point?)
Blood of Dracula’s Castle – 1969
Taste the Blood of Dracula** – 1970
  **(Isn't that the exact opposite of the whole point?)
Scars of Dracula – 1970
Countess Dracula – 1970
Dracula VS Frankenstein – 1971
Dracula’s Great Love – 1972
The Satanic Rites of Dracula – 1973
The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula*** – 1973
  ***(Original title was "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers Meet Dracula and his Girlfriend, Carla")

That should explain why the second stringers like Meinster and The Bride of Frankenstein and even Blacula had to occasionally stand in for the principals. So next time you see a mob rush by with pitchforks and torches, stop, and shed a tear for the hard working third-rate bandage-wrapped zombie in "Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy", a project the real Mummy wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole.


Mandrake