Fixing Hollywood, Part III: Ask Not What Hollywood Can Do For You

One of the biggest problems with Hollywood is the gigantic egos of the Stars. Some famous examples are Christian Bale's freakout on the set of Terminator IV. Mind you, the realization that the film was laughably bad might have unhinged him during the shoot. Then there was that time William Shatner ran over Justin Timberlake with his SUV, and then had the audacity to claim the subsequent car-wash as a tax write off. Now I might have dreamed that last one, but so did you, so we're even.

Me? Pay for a Car-Wash?!!? Do you know who I am? 

Remember the Oscars a few years back when some of the Stars complained that their gift baskets were not up to snuff? The nerve! It's a gift, you Baked-Alaskans! They don't owe it to you! Here's a little sample of the kind of stuff they got:

-Gourmet artisan chocolate creations from Chocolatines by Sweet Endeavours that will sweeten the bitter Oscar loss with a 16-piece Contempo Collection, Chocolate-dipped Bacon, Matcha Sesame Bark, Mini Lux Turtles and Diamond Collection Champagne Ganache

-Fancy Feast's "Celebrate the Moment" gift package including a FlipCam Mino, Tiffany crystal-studded cat collar and an assortment of Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats

-$4,000 limited edition (only 125 made) luxury Leather Travel Bag from Victorinox, makers of the Original Swiss Army Knife

-Private island vacation at the Turks & Caicos Sporting Club at Ambergris Clay

-La Peau Couture Organic Wrinkle Diminishing Serum (priced at $499 per jar)

Now I like Diminishing Serum as much as the next guy, but you won't see me whining like Annakin Skywalker to the Jedi Council if I don't get any for free. What about the crazy stuff they demand in their contracts, like a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room, with all the red ones removed, placed in a rocket and fired into space? Someone needs to set an example for these people so we can get on with the business of quality movie making. If I ever make it to Hollywood, my demands would be more practical and sensible:

-A Dominoes Pizza kiosk in my dressing room

-Spiderman as my personal assistance/houseboy

-Portal to another dimension (dimension to be specified later)

Thank you for your time.

Mandrake