Comparative Threat Study:
Bear
Size: Large
Weapons: Teeth and claws
Fear Factor: Moderate
Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Severe mauling, including
possible loss of torso
Likeliness of Attack: Very Low, unless in forest, moderate.
Defense: Make yourself look big, play dead, get into your car. For
heroes, resort to hatchet.
Bad Move: Hide in your refrigerator.
Since there is a chance that an encounter with a bear can end with a
friendly tip of the hat, Bears do not weigh heavily on the minds of
people except campers, hermits, mountain men, poachers, drunken
frat boys and cowards. It weighs even less on people armed with guns
and the over-confident. Blowhards generally discount Bears as a
threat of any kind.
Bogeyman
Size: Moderate to Large
Weapons: ?*
Fear Factor: Existential
Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Ranges from strangling to
indescribable horror
Likeliness of Attack: Never/Extremely low
Defense: Keep lights on, never turn around, don't look into the bathroom
mirror or at any windows at night.
Bad Move: Hide in your refrigerator.
*No preference of weapons has been definitively recorded for any
bogeyman.
A bogeyman is a supernatural enemy, so even blowhards say their prayers
on occasion. In fact the threat of a bogeyman is so immanent in the minds of
people that sometimes it's all that keeps society in check. Priests,
Nuns, Friars, and Monks do not fear the bogeyman, although some Pastors do.
This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by Mandrake
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Hey Skeletons- What's So Funny?
The other day I read a story from Russia about some archaeologists getting
spooked by weird noises coming from the site of a battlefield they dug up.
What makes this story so phoney is that none of them claimed that laughing
skeletons chased them away. Does anyone know what exactly it is that is so
hysterical to skeletons? I guess it's the fact that bullets pass through
their rib-cages harmlessly and that they don't have to pay taxes anymore.
You know what would be disturbing? Looking out your window at night and
seeing a laughing skeleton parachuting into your backyard.
Good night!
Mandrake
spooked by weird noises coming from the site of a battlefield they dug up.
What makes this story so phoney is that none of them claimed that laughing
skeletons chased them away. Does anyone know what exactly it is that is so
hysterical to skeletons? I guess it's the fact that bullets pass through
their rib-cages harmlessly and that they don't have to pay taxes anymore.
You know what would be disturbing? Looking out your window at night and
seeing a laughing skeleton parachuting into your backyard.
Good night!
Mandrake
Friday, December 3, 2010
3D Movies- Are Remakes of Past Films the Future!?!?
Apparently George Lucas is planning to remake ALL his Star Wars films using the 3D technology from the blockbuster Avatar. So now when Annakin Skywalker starts whining about how the Jedi gyped him out of being a Jedi Master, or how Yoda never tips him when he brings him a Space-Coffee, or whatever, it'll be like you're in the room with him!!! Or when the racist and perverted bartender at the Cantina on Tattoine sez "NO BLASTERS!" even though he has a huge collect of pictures of blaster-charred aliens like Greedo, you'll be able to tell he's lying through amazing 3D technology.
Another 3D remastering I'm looking forward to is "Lawerence of Arabia 3D", where you REALLY feel Alec Guiness' frustration with the British and French negotiators.
3D "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks will be the best though, because through the magic of Bluetooth technology, whenever he gets mail from Meg Ryan, it will automatically be texted to your iPhone.
The future is totally excellent.
Mandrake
Another 3D remastering I'm looking forward to is "Lawerence of Arabia 3D", where you REALLY feel Alec Guiness' frustration with the British and French negotiators.
3D "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks will be the best though, because through the magic of Bluetooth technology, whenever he gets mail from Meg Ryan, it will automatically be texted to your iPhone.
The future is totally excellent.
Mandrake
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Amsterdam Zoo Showdown
OK, this was a real article, but I punched it up a bit
(bold type are my additions)
*********************
Bears eat monkey in front of zoo visitors
Associated Press
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch
zoo in front of horrified visitors and pleasantly surprised sickos,
witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the
Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary
macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned to find out
what electricity was, first hand. It recovered and fled onto a wooden
structure that it thought was Monkey Police Headquarters, where
one bear pursued and mauled it to death.
The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area
where Sloth bears, great apes, Scientologists and Barbary macaques
have coexisted peacefully for a long time since the last brutal slaying,
the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday
while the monkey was on his way to see his Bookie."
"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such
a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and
remain wild animals," it said, even though some bears used an
electric fence to stun their prey and the monkey ran into a
house.
Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident,
including photos, on his Facebook page. He said one Sloth bear
tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose but did succeed in
making it cry like a girl after it took refuge on the structure,
built by the Professor of crossing horizontal and vertical poles,
palm fronds and coconuts.
Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it with pictures of
naked bears, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and,
standing stretched on two legs, "used its sharp canines to pull the
macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch, where
it the bear shot it repeatedly with a Glock 9." The bear then
brought the animal to a concrete den, where three bears ate it, having
not had a meal since Goldilocks visit.
The zoo said it "usually wasn't possible" for keepers to intervene
when an animal killed another since this was a settling of accounts.
The park plans now to move the Barbary macaques - which are large
monkeys but often inaccurately called "Barbary Apes" - to another
part of the park, it said, where they won't be inaccurately labeled.
Mandrake
(bold type are my additions)
*********************
Bears eat monkey in front of zoo visitors
Associated Press
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch
zoo in front of horrified visitors and pleasantly surprised sickos,
witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the
Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary
macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned to find out
what electricity was, first hand. It recovered and fled onto a wooden
structure that it thought was Monkey Police Headquarters, where
one bear pursued and mauled it to death.
The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area
where Sloth bears, great apes, Scientologists and Barbary macaques
have coexisted peacefully for a long time since the last brutal slaying,
the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday
while the monkey was on his way to see his Bookie."
"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such
a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and
remain wild animals," it said, even though some bears used an
electric fence to stun their prey and the monkey ran into a
house.
Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident,
including photos, on his Facebook page. He said one Sloth bear
tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose but did succeed in
making it cry like a girl after it took refuge on the structure,
built by the Professor of crossing horizontal and vertical poles,
palm fronds and coconuts.
Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it with pictures of
naked bears, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and,
standing stretched on two legs, "used its sharp canines to pull the
macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch, where
it the bear shot it repeatedly with a Glock 9." The bear then
brought the animal to a concrete den, where three bears ate it, having
not had a meal since Goldilocks visit.
The zoo said it "usually wasn't possible" for keepers to intervene
when an animal killed another since this was a settling of accounts.
The park plans now to move the Barbary macaques - which are large
monkeys but often inaccurately called "Barbary Apes" - to another
part of the park, it said, where they won't be inaccurately labeled.
Mandrake
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Spikey the Death Comet
******************************************
P/2010 A2, or as it is more commonly known, "Spikey the Death Comet", is
definely NOT Uncle Bile (my brother), because there is no gas in its tail.
However that doesn't mean we should fall asleep at the switch. Like a bottle rocket
launched by Frat boys, it could turn at any moment and crash into our
groins.
Mandrake
Stephen Hawking is Wrong About Aliens
"THE aliens are out there and Earth had better watch out, at least according
to Stephen Hawking. He has suggested that extraterrestrials are almost
certain to exist — but that instead of seeking them out, humanity should be
doing all it that can to avoid any contact."
***********************************************
Actually we've been sending radio waves into space for 60 years, so, too
late. There is hope, however; maybe all the aliens were clearing their
throats when our broadcasts arrived? I know what you're thinking- we've
been broadcasting continuously for over half a century- well, I happen to
know that it takes aliens about 80 years to clear their throats, even
longer for aliens with more than one throat.
If all else fails, we fall back on an old earth standby. When they land, we
greet them with boxes of flowers. When they reach for them, we suddenly
pull primitive ray-guns out of them and blast the hapless aliens, who
should have paid closer attention to earth culture, instead of lying
indolently at the bottom of their purple seas, listening to Amos & Andy.
Ha! Earth is the BEST
Mandrake
to Stephen Hawking. He has suggested that extraterrestrials are almost
certain to exist — but that instead of seeking them out, humanity should be
doing all it that can to avoid any contact."
***********************************************
Actually we've been sending radio waves into space for 60 years, so, too
late. There is hope, however; maybe all the aliens were clearing their
throats when our broadcasts arrived? I know what you're thinking- we've
been broadcasting continuously for over half a century- well, I happen to
know that it takes aliens about 80 years to clear their throats, even
longer for aliens with more than one throat.
If all else fails, we fall back on an old earth standby. When they land, we
greet them with boxes of flowers. When they reach for them, we suddenly
pull primitive ray-guns out of them and blast the hapless aliens, who
should have paid closer attention to earth culture, instead of lying
indolently at the bottom of their purple seas, listening to Amos & Andy.
Ha! Earth is the BEST
Mandrake
Mars is Laughing at Us- But Not for Long
*Photo of Martian Surface*
If we let the Martians get away with this, what's next? A 200 mile wide
image of Orson Well's bum with a huge canyon running vertically through it?
One of those mind-bending puzzles (sort of like a Sudoku but using
barnyard animals) etched across Olympus Mons, confusing telescope
equipped teenagers, and making them question all human values?
Or the final insult- clearing 1000 square miles of their planet's surface,
painting on a giant monopoly board, and then subtly placing the
Mars Rover on Boardwalk, when the martians have two hotels on it!?!?!?!?
There can only be one response- the thermonuclear type. Our war slogan?
"Reach for the Stars and to Hell with Mars!"
Mars delenda est!
Mandrake
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