Amsterdam Zoo Showdown

OK, this was a real article, but I punched it up a bit
(bold type are my additions)


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Bears eat monkey in front of zoo visitors

Associated Press
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch
zoo in front of horrified visitors and pleasantly surprised sickos,
witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the
Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary
macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned to find out
what electricity was, first hand. It recovered and fled onto a wooden
structure that it thought was Monkey Police Headquarters, where
one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area
where Sloth bears, great apes, Scientologists and Barbary macaques
have coexisted peacefully for a long time since the last brutal slaying,
the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday
while the monkey was on his way to see his Bookie."

"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such
a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and
remain wild animals," it said, even though some bears used an
electric fence to stun their prey and the monkey ran into a 
house.

Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident,
including photos, on his Facebook page. He said one Sloth bear
tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose but did succeed in
making it cry like a girl after it took refuge on the structure,
built by the Professor of crossing horizontal and vertical poles, 
palm fronds and coconuts.

Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it with pictures of 
naked bears, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and,
standing stretched on two legs, "used its sharp canines to pull the
macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch, where
it the bear shot it repeatedly with a Glock 9." The bear then
brought the animal to a concrete den, where three bears ate it, having
not had a meal since Goldilocks visit.

The zoo said it "usually wasn't possible" for keepers to intervene
when an animal killed another since this was a settling of accounts.
The park plans now to move the Barbary macaques - which are large
monkeys but often inaccurately called "Barbary Apes" - to another
part of the park, it said, where they won't be inaccurately labeled.

Mandrake