Pheasant Attacks North York Village! True Story.

 I felt this story, like so many others, needed punching up, so I just went ahead and did it (my changes in bold):

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Potty-Mouth Chicken terrorizes village
  A guff-talking Chicken is terrorizing a North Yorkshire village by trapping people in their homes and insulting their parentage. Men, women, children, prams, bikes, dogs, priests, nuns, friars, cathedrals, restaurants, old-folks homes, Aliens and other chickens are said to have had to face the foul-mouthed bird in Newsham, near Richmond.

Sonia Hall was attacked by the creature while she was out for a walk with her two-and-a-half-year-old grandson Jacob, who in all fairness to the bird was dressed as a bowl of corn, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Her son Charles Hall, 34, who runs a local hotel, said: "She was really shaken up by it. She tried to beat it off with her handbag but from what she said it is quite vicious, often using sarcasm against her and questioning her fashion sense." Mrs Hall's partner, Robin Leonard, a retired glass fitter, said: "The Chicken's attack left her with a scar on her leg and wiped out her sesame-seed farm.

"The postman was passing by and saw the attack so ran over to help. The postman is scared to come into the village now because he is an unbelievable coward, what with being 'a-scared' of a bird 1/50th his size, although it does have a cruel, sardonic laugh."

Bob De'Ath (Ed. Note: doesn't that spell 'death'? Is this whole thing a joke?), chairman of Newsham Parish Council says: "Although it seems humorous, there is a serious concern that this Chicken could injure the town's golf pros if it goes for their balls, said a visibly shaken Bob Death. "It is terrorizing the whole village. We are now starting to get official complaints about it, so I have written to Nipsy Russell to ask for some good come-backs."

Lyndsey Waddell, chairman of the National Gamekeepers Organization, said: "You get a similar thing in a variety of other birds as spring approaches and the breeding season begins, especially jive-talking Parakeets and Robins whose acts tend to get pretty blue."

"All the bird is doing is protecting what it considers to be its territory and has a right to it's own opinions", said a man carrying a flame-thrower and some grenades. "But it shouldn't have said all those awful things about the Queen."


Mandrake