Somebody Throw a Net Over These Guys

Eco Architecture: Futuristic designer envisions ULDUs for global warming refugees
  Anupam | Jul 24 2009

Eco Factor: Self-sufficient habitat to house global warming refugees underground

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"With the increase in greenhouse gases and the continuous emissions of harmful gases to suffice the planet’s need for energy and technology, global warming does seem inevitable. While the world is getting more conscious out the environment and the need to prevent such a disaster, futuristic designers have started thinking about the habitats of the possible millions of global warming refugees."

*********************


Maybe someone should have pointed a few things out to the Artist AND the Architects (click on the picture to blow it up for a good look):

1- The earth is effectively destroyed, right? So why are the refugees wearing the same clothes we are today? Shouldn't they have some drab uniform made of reconstituted cactus?

2- The woman in the image is carrying a purse; Why??!?!? Is she about to go shopping in the desert? "Price check on scorpions". Either that or she carries it around the house like all women do, I guess, because I don't pay attention to such things. Even so, what is in her purse? Can't be makeup- THE EARTH HAS BEEN DESTROYED. Keys to an EARTH DESTROYING CAR? No. I guess that's where she keeps her cell-phone (for a refugee?) or the cyanide pills for when they contimplate their fabulous future.

3- OK, the earth is a desert, they're refugees, but they have a pet dog. Is that what the tree in the dome is for, so it can have something to pee against? Can't be, because they only do that to mark territory- BUT THEY LIVE IN A BUNKER IN THE DESERT.  BTW, how many other dogs swing by in the average week? Also, they need to drink the dog's pee to survive in the hellish future. Finally, what does the dog eat? I can only assume it's Soylent Green for Less Active Dogs Formula™.

4- Junior and dad (there seem to be nuclear families in the future- have the police been informed?) have nothing to do but wander around the place like it's some kind of exercise period in a Turkish prison. Maybe for Thanksgiving they venture out to shoot a giant Gila Monster or something.


The future's so bright I have to wear a welding mask.

Mandrake

Put the Phone Down, Kojak!

Lights In Sky Prompt Flood Of Calls In Md., Va., N.C.


"BALTIMORE -- A team of scientists is looking into what could have caused bright lights in the sky that prompted hundreds of calls to the National Weather Service and emergency officials. Callers from Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina described brilliant, streaking lights followed by an explosion-like sound around 9:45 p.m. Sunday."

Yes, this is really how it works, even in 2010

Dare I ask, who ARE these people that call the authorities every time they see lights in the sky?!!??! What about just commenting to the neighbours as you take your worn baseball cap off and scratch your head? Then maybe go inside and finish your bowl of grits.

What exactly do you say to The MAN under these circumstances?

Caller:           Is this the local weather authority?
Operator:   Yeah, I guess.
Caller:           I saw some lights in the sky!
Operator:   (pause)
Caller:           Hello?
Operator:   What kind of lights?
Caller:           Glowing lights.
Operator:   Well, its probably nothing. Go finish your grits.

Of course, we may be playing right into the hands of those curious fiends from the Popeye Nebula. The MAN gets a bunch of "Boy Who Cried Wolf" calls and goes right to sleep at the switch. The second the switch is spotted as being unattended by the Peeping-Tom Alien™, he cancels his visit to the backwoods shed he was going to peek into and reports home. There, the bored and indolent bureaucrats at the bottom of the warm purple sea take off their Space Age Co-Polymer hats, and scratch their big, round heads, then talk about forming a committee to look into the whole Earth/Switch issue.

Months later the project is shelved. The PTA is reassigned to Backwoods Shed Patrol.



So I guess we're safe.


Mandrake

Introducing the Peeping-Tom Alien ™

UFO Quack Jeff Peckman to Reveal Alien Video in Colorado 
"A few weeks shy of the July 2008 release of the X-Files sequel, aptly titled, “I want to Believe,” Jeff Peckman showed the world’s media his amazing alien video today. The secret video, which has captivated the world’s attention from trailer parks even as far away as Australia, was shown at the Tivoli Center on Auraria campus in Denver, Colorado. The conclusion? Inconclusive."
What a surprise…

Here's the amazing infra-red photo capturing the Alien in the act:

OK, let me get this straight. This Alien flies a million-trillion miles (at the cost of 48 zillion Krutongs) and all he does is stick his head through some hick's window AND gets caught doing it?!?!?!? I see unemployement in his future, or a job cleaning up socks in locker rooms at the bottom of the big purple ocean in the Popeye Nebula.

"Peeping-Tom Alien, your failed mission cost the indolent taxpayers of our advanced civilization 48 zillion Krutongs! I could just pinch you!"
 -First Incipient Ruuuthan, of the seventh moon


ADDITIONAL:
By an amazing stroke of pure luck, the Aliens from the Popeye Nebula speak to each other in word balloons that are visible when you squirt lemon juice onto Infra Red photos. The transcript is provided below:

Peeping Tom Alien: I'm going to take a second peek in the window.
Quaeznar (second Alien): Don't do it- you already looked once, that's
enough.
PTA: I don't think they saw me or took an Infra Red picture the first time.
Quaeznar: Hey, keep your tentacles to yourself!
PTA: That wasn't my tentacle.
Quaeznar: OK, quit joking around. Take another look and lets get out of
here.
PTA: (Taking a look) UH OH, I think the hick took an Infra Red picture of
me!
Quaeznar: Cheese it!

the conversation ends here

Mandrake

The Sign Guarding Earth's Most Secretest Underground Bunker

When I came upon this sign in the woods it freaked me out, but good!
Usually you just run into rusty soup cans, empty packs of cigarettes, or
the occasional human body being examined by The Peeping-Tom Alien™.
This sign's got everything. I'll try and interpret it for you:

On the left you have a guarantee that if you touch the wire you'll turn
into 'Electro' from the Spiderman comics! A sobering thought.
One the right, some sort of telekinetic Game of Death with a bear,
possibly Static the Bear, himself. Either that or it's saying that after
you get over the fence, you have to face the bear. If there were
enough room on the sign, they'd have the third tier of defense:
Axe wielding Circus Clowns with oversized pockets
full of Nitro Glycerin bottles.

The faded, smaller hand in the middle seems to have an Elk playing an
electric guitar- I guess Elk bands are not welcome here.

Note the toll-free number on the sign, if you're wondering what to get me
for Christmas.

Mandrake

Sudden Death Dinner Party

OK, what do we have here?

I'm not sure who's side I am on in this story... let's look at the different perspectives:

The Husband:
You've just finished 18 holes of golf without losing your 2-Wood or 3-Wood, clearly. You're hungry and so is your best friend, Steve, or whatever his name is. Your dishy early-1960's wife greets you both at the door with a Swanson TV-Brand Dinner. The SHAME! You would have done better to head over to the local maximum security prison, where you'd get the same meal, except you'd have to eat it with a wooden spoon (or a homemade shank). But you play it cool, and give the "excellent" hand signal, while you contemplate driving her head 400 yards down the fairway with your 2-Wood.

The Wife:
You've just finished vacuuming with your new vacuum machine and were about to sit down with a nice Martini in front of the radio and tune in to Amos & Andy, or something (I may be off by as much as forty years, here). The doorbell rings- it's your absentee husband. That's not all- he seems to have invited the hated Jimmy Olsen over for dinner!!!! The lousy hobo! You'll teach him, though. Quick as a rocketship, you blast into the kitchen and throw the giant turkey you have in the oven directly out the window for the dog to devour, while you break out the Swanson thing. That right suckers, ONE meal for the three of us.... Next time call ahead.

The Score?
Husband & Wife: 0
Jimmy Olsen: 1

Oh, What Secrets the Forests Hold

Letter from one of my nephews:
"On sunday, while walking through the forested areas of the Mountain,
I happened upon something remarkable in the woods. It was a true-to-life,
real Survival Lean-to!! Just sitting there, unused! Seemed very well
constructed, and, if that is the case, its must still be there!"

*******************************************

My Reply:

I built that one- don't touch it. In fact I have them all over the place- I
call them "Bug-Out Shelters", so that no matter where I am, I've got a
place to go. In a small concealed pit three paces to the west of all of
them you'll find the following items:

-Hatchet
-Reserve Emergency Hatchet
-Picture of Queen Elizabeth II with Hatchet marks already on it
-A can of Campbell's Cream of Cheddar Cheese
-Candle, painted to look like dynamite
-Dynamite, painted to look like a candle
-Secret coded document to remind me which one the dynamite is
-A bottle of Stella Artois
-Copy of Robinson Crusoe on Mars (DVD)


Sincerely,

Uncle Mandrake

Introducing The Ghost-Czar™

Aside from the Peeping-Tom alien™, and perhaps The Cardinal, I don't think I've ever got more mileage out of a character than the Ghost Czar™, Alexander II Romanov. Here are his critical stats:

   Ghost Czar (or Tsar)™
   Size: Moderate
   Weapons: Spectral Luger (automatic pistol)
   Fear Factor: Low*
   Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Back shooting™ with
   Spectral Luger followed by Loss of Liberty™
   Likeliness of Attack: Relatively High for socialists and cowards, both
   of whom are despised by the Ghost Czar™. Everyone else, very low
   Defense: None. Maybe hiding behind cases of Courvoisier and expensive
   paintings in the Winter Palace.
   Bad Move: Hanging out in movie theatre lobbies, or turning your back.

   *Since few people know about the Ghost Czar™, the fear level is
   commensurately low. However Lenin was known to jump out of his shoes at
   the pop of a champagne bottle, while Trotsky took to wearing a mask in
   his likeness on the back of his head, and wearing his coat backwards.
   Dzershinsky tried unsuccessfully to have his back surgically removed.
   After that, he wore a heavy guage steam pipe with arm-holes cut out of
   it, even in the shower.

   Additional: Why is the Ghost Czar™ in Such a Bad Mood™?
   How would YOU like it if you had to haunt the Winter Palace in
   St. Petersburg and have to watch communists drinking your fine
   wine and farting in your favorite chair?

  Getting in touch with the Ghost Czar:
  *Not recommended* unless you don't mind getting back-shot in a dark
  movie theatre lobby. Your capitalist and aristocratic credentials must be
  impeccable. If you've got your ducks in a row, however, flash the
  Faberge Egg Signal on one of our many cloudbanks to summon
  the Ghost Czar™.