Fixing Hollywood, Part II: The Ringbearer Trilogy

Since close to 100% of movies and TV produced today are worse than vomit, I have decided to step in and turn things around. I have a great idea for a movie trilogy. The first in the series is "Runaway Ringbearer", about a young boy who always runs away during wedding ceremonies due to nerves and ruins all kinds of weddings where he is the ringbearer. I know what you're thinking- "How many weddings is this kid going to be Ring Bearer at?" My answer- "Can't you suspend your disbelief for ONE MINUTE???!?!?"

His little tux, in which he runs away a lot

The second one is "Runaway Ringbearer II: The Remorse of the Ringbearer". In this story the Ringbearer is an old man racked by guilt over the weddings he has ruined. He spends his declining years building a time machine. His plan? Go back in time, become Ringbearer at HIS OWN parent's wedding, run away, thus ruining it and ensuring he is never born. That way the other weddings he ruined would be saved.

Finally, capping off the series is "A Bullet in Time". This is a story of how someone idly shooting at trees in his backyard fires one through a knot-hole in a tree that is a time portal. The bullet makes it to Dallas in 1963 where, you guessed it, he kills Kennedy. Not sure how this fits with the first two parts of the trilogy or how it ends. I just like the name.

Now the bad news. I am also capable of traveling through time thanks to my pal, The Time Traveling Cervantes™. It seems in the future I go to the premiere of the trilogy and come out against it critically with a savage panning. Here is the transcript which Cervantes mailed to me two weeks from now, if you can wrap your head around that:

Are you ready for this? I'm not!

"This movie trilogy is really boring. Where are the Cardinals diving for sunken treasure off the Grand Caymans? Where are the bears savaging Indians while the Indians are savaging settlers? Where's the drunken Belgian Aristocrat weaving carelessly down the broad streets of Liege in a sports-car, causing tourists to jump into medieval fountains, ruining their digital cameras? Finally, Where is the Japanese sailor dancing in panic on a torpedo speeding towards an aircraft carrier, when all along he just wanted to take a catnap in a torpedo tube?"

Gosh, I was hard on myself!


Mandrake