Star Wars Episode 7: Judgement at Endor

"I find your lack of faith disturbing. Also, I heard what you said about my mother."

The three-and-a-half hour film covers the Court Martial of the Commander of the Imperial Stormtroopers that got clobbered by the Ewoks in Episode 6. Here's a bit of the transcript:

Judge: Commander, how is it that an entire LEGION of Elite Stormtroopers was wiped out by some midgets in badly sewn costumes, armed with twigs?
Commander: Well, I should mention that before the battle the Clones were up all night watching "The Green Berets", so they were both tired AND cocky.
Judge: Still, it WAS quite a defeat wasn't it?
Commander: We've had worse. Remember when Han solo chased those all soldiers down the corridor of the Death Star? Darth Vader had to Force-Strangle all of them as an example. Took him 20 minutes.
Judge: Yes, that was a bad one. What about the amazing technical edge you had on the enemy?
Commander: Unfortunately the Clones REALLY looked down on the Ewoks. They figured, "What are they going to do, get us to slip on their blaster-charred entrails"? That's when the logs started crushing them.
Judge: Why didn't you just shoot the logs?
Commander (smirking): If you had any field experience, you wouldn't ask that question.
Judge: A legion of men are dead, Commander- this is not a laughing matter.
Commander: Correction- a legion of CLONES are dead. We can make new ones, hopefully less sissy-fied.

I smell an OSCAR

Know Your Enemy: Darth Vader
It's a good thing that "The Force" is grace-based rather than works-based, otherwise Darth Vader would never have made it to the sparkly but boring afterlife with the three other Jedi that make up the entire popluation. He killed the Sand-People, the Younglings, Padme, Mace-Up Windex (that was his name, right?), a whole whack of Admirals, and is sought for the attempted murder of Obi-Wan Komodo. He has the death sentence in more than twelve systems, my friend.

He also cheated in the pod race. However, to lay the failure of the Endor campaign at his feet may be "A Bear Too Far". He showed the Stormtroopers pictures of Princess Leia in the slave outfit that Jaba sent him. Nothing. No effect. He spent his vacation time force-choking the real jellyfishes among them, all to no avail. Something about working for an Emperor who looks like Ethel Merman just sapped the vitality out of the whole corp.

Or maybe the Ewoks just wanted it more.


Mandrake