Journal of a Shipwrecked man, Part One

Man, Bear or Bogeyman? Or Dracula?

 A few years ago the company I work at basically exiled me to a forgotten corner
of the building because, you know, it seemed efficient at the time. I kept a journal
to pass the lonely mornings and afternoons until they realized they were idiots and
finally repatriated me. Here is an excerpt:

12:14pm
I am feeling lightheaded. Could it be hunger? No- I have just
finished my 3rd slice of leftover pizza. Then suddenly I remember,
my wife gave me a haircut last night. The loss of 2lbs of hair makes
me feel as if I am floating, floating out of my chair. There is no
one to save me! I am totally alone here. I picture myself rising
like a large, multi-coloured balloon, ever higher. In a flash I am
in the balloon's gondola, pulling the chain, making it go higher and
higher! I am laughing like a madman. Tears of joy flow down my
cheeks- in my loneliness I am happy! The people below me look like
mere ants. It is then that I notice I am using the telescope
backwards- they are ACTUAL ANTS, and they are crawling over the
picnic basket I packed for the occasion. I open it, dicovering it
contains hundreds of sugar cubes and nothing else. If only I had
40 gallons of coffee!

This scene fades. Reality, gravity, pepperoni & cheese all conspire
to bring me crashing down in my chair. Was it a dream? No. My hair
IS actually shorter. Perhaps that will attract visitors. If it does,
they will be the wrong kind of visitors.

Mandrake, in exile

Merry Christmas from Mandrake

Hi Peeple,

This being Christmas, I thought some kind of present was in order.
Since I don't have everyone's address or their favorite colours or whatnot,
I thought I'd offer something practical and dazzling at the same time.
Feel free to copy these images to your hard drives:

 

 

 You may ask, "Mandrake, HOW are these images practical (although 

they ARE dazzling)?" Well, have you ever received an email that you 

want to respond to, but can't quite think of what to say?

Well, just press 'reply', paste one of these into the body and hit 'send'.

There's not a message on earth of these babies can't handle. 

For example, someone sends you a message that says

"Hey (insert your name), I just became the father of an 

8 pound 2 oz. baby boy. I'm thinking for a first and middle name

'Jimmy Olsen'. What do you think?" Well, that's when you wheel

out old Mecha-Godzilla. Lil' junior will thank you, unless the 

hapless father names him "Mecha-Godzilla". 

I'm afraid I assume no responsibility for any outcomes except

those that make me some money, somehow.

Enjoy, and again, the Warmest Merry Christmas,

Mandrake

Pheasant Attacks North York Village! True Story.

 I felt this story, like so many others, needed punching up, so I just went ahead and did it (my changes in bold):

****************************
 
Potty-Mouth Chicken terrorizes village
  A guff-talking Chicken is terrorizing a North Yorkshire village by trapping people in their homes and insulting their parentage. Men, women, children, prams, bikes, dogs, priests, nuns, friars, cathedrals, restaurants, old-folks homes, Aliens and other chickens are said to have had to face the foul-mouthed bird in Newsham, near Richmond.

Sonia Hall was attacked by the creature while she was out for a walk with her two-and-a-half-year-old grandson Jacob, who in all fairness to the bird was dressed as a bowl of corn, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Her son Charles Hall, 34, who runs a local hotel, said: "She was really shaken up by it. She tried to beat it off with her handbag but from what she said it is quite vicious, often using sarcasm against her and questioning her fashion sense." Mrs Hall's partner, Robin Leonard, a retired glass fitter, said: "The Chicken's attack left her with a scar on her leg and wiped out her sesame-seed farm.

"The postman was passing by and saw the attack so ran over to help. The postman is scared to come into the village now because he is an unbelievable coward, what with being 'a-scared' of a bird 1/50th his size, although it does have a cruel, sardonic laugh."

Bob De'Ath (Ed. Note: doesn't that spell 'death'? Is this whole thing a joke?), chairman of Newsham Parish Council says: "Although it seems humorous, there is a serious concern that this Chicken could injure the town's golf pros if it goes for their balls, said a visibly shaken Bob Death. "It is terrorizing the whole village. We are now starting to get official complaints about it, so I have written to Nipsy Russell to ask for some good come-backs."

Lyndsey Waddell, chairman of the National Gamekeepers Organization, said: "You get a similar thing in a variety of other birds as spring approaches and the breeding season begins, especially jive-talking Parakeets and Robins whose acts tend to get pretty blue."

"All the bird is doing is protecting what it considers to be its territory and has a right to it's own opinions", said a man carrying a flame-thrower and some grenades. "But it shouldn't have said all those awful things about the Queen."


Mandrake

Get Yours While Supplies Last!

Stress in the office is rampant, am I right? But you can't do anything about it without getting fired, so you only end up going home and taking it out on your cat, Chester.

Well not anymore, thanks to the Port-O-Pottymouth™!

Fits any size head

The Port-O-Pottymouth™ is a cylindrical helmet made of space-age sound proofing material that is stretchy and comfortable. It is collapsible and can be stored in your desk drawer! When the urge to scream your head off in frustration hits, you quickly slip on the product and you can shout and swear to you hearts content. Tell your boss what a jerk he is from the other side of your cubicle wall- he can't hear you!

Maybe we can include a miniature sprinkler system that will go off when your body temperature gets too high or the vein in your forehead becomes too pronounced. Or fit a small mp3 player that can turn on elevator music outside the mask to reassure co-workers when they see your hands waving wildly. If it really takes off, we can expand the line by making the Port-O-Sobby™ for people who want to have a good cry, with miniature windshield wipers inside for your eyes.

So I need $1,000,000 dollars in development money from each of you. Then
we'll ALL be millionaires.


Mandrake Industries

"New" Green Hornet Movie? I Beg to Differ.

The Belligerent Duo

The Green Hornet is just a copy of Batman for a more moderate crowd. He wears a mask; he drives a funky car; he has a double identity; he has a secret hideout; he is a white male; he has a houseboy (I think Robin was a houseboy, no?). There is a Jimmy Olsen-like character that is hated by all freedom-loving people; Lex Luthor wants to marry him; Rex Reed criticizes him incessantly; he once got his foot caught in a bear-trap; he returns all of my letters to him unopened.

Picture of my wife, taken at our 10th Anniversary party

No, give me the likes of Wonder Woman, who you could stare at for hours and not care who's side she was on, the bottle of whiskey slowly slipping out of your hand as you begin to black out on your couch.



Mandrake

Note to Boring People: You're Boring!

To the people I work with- you are very boring. As boring as a Western where the lead Cavalry Scout seems to sense and ambush in the gorge his column is riding through, only to find it was just a plastic shopping bag blowing by. Then, you think it's about to get exciting because they cut to an angry Cardinal on a train rummaging through a pile of Papal Bulls, but then he smiles and pulls out his ticket, and hands it to the conductor. Finally, a dusty cowboy enters a saloon, walks up slowly behind the sheriff, and asks him where he can buy a new hat.

In my exciting world, where you guys can never enter, by the way, the Scout, the Cardinal and the Cowboy rob Fort Knox, shooting and dynamiting 4,518 guards, 65 bears, 11,942 Indians, and 300 corrupt congressmen sworn to protect the gold. This causes alien spies from the Popeye Nebula to reconsider their whole race's slide into indolence.

Oh yeah, in the end credits, the Cardinal wrestles a giant squid in a grotto at the heart of the Sierra Madres.

That's Fort Knox alright- I'd know it anywhere.

 

One, Critical Mistake

"Two terrified youths who ran into a Staffordshire police station were in no doubt they had seen a UFO land in a field near Chasetown after they experienced an intense heat when they were walking up Rugeley Road, Burntwood, at 11pm on 4 May 1995. "Their skin turned a glowing red," said the Staffordshire police inspector's report. "They saw a darkish silver inverted saucer shaped object in a field, which was glowing red beneath. The object was about four houses high in the sky and about 40ft away from them. They then, reluctantly, went on to state that a voice, which came from a lemon-like head, which appeared beneath the machine, said: 'We want you, come with us'."

********************************

The Lemon-Head Aliens™ seemed to have made one small slip up that may cost them their plans of world domination- they almost landed a four-story tall Spaceship in a county in England in broad daylight. Then, in an attempt to cover up their tiny mistake, they politely asked the two hopelessly unbelievable youths to come closer to the Volcanically active ship, giving them a sunburn before heading back to Citrus IV, their home planet in one of the spiral arms of the Sour Custard Nebula™.

Oh, there will be questions asked in Venerable Tart Parliament™ when they get back...

ADDITIONAL: Know Your Enemy
While the Lemon-Head Aliens™ of the Sour Custard Nebula™ are not indolent like the Aliens from the Popeye Nebula (aka the Fried-Egg Nebula), they seem to be just as stupid. However it might be a good idea to keep watching the skies AND your drinks, in case they try and slip everyone on the planet something at the same time when We're Not Paying Attention™.

Mandrake

Somebody Throw a Net Over These Guys

Eco Architecture: Futuristic designer envisions ULDUs for global warming refugees
  Anupam | Jul 24 2009

Eco Factor: Self-sufficient habitat to house global warming refugees underground

.

"With the increase in greenhouse gases and the continuous emissions of harmful gases to suffice the planet’s need for energy and technology, global warming does seem inevitable. While the world is getting more conscious out the environment and the need to prevent such a disaster, futuristic designers have started thinking about the habitats of the possible millions of global warming refugees."

*********************


Maybe someone should have pointed a few things out to the Artist AND the Architects (click on the picture to blow it up for a good look):

1- The earth is effectively destroyed, right? So why are the refugees wearing the same clothes we are today? Shouldn't they have some drab uniform made of reconstituted cactus?

2- The woman in the image is carrying a purse; Why??!?!? Is she about to go shopping in the desert? "Price check on scorpions". Either that or she carries it around the house like all women do, I guess, because I don't pay attention to such things. Even so, what is in her purse? Can't be makeup- THE EARTH HAS BEEN DESTROYED. Keys to an EARTH DESTROYING CAR? No. I guess that's where she keeps her cell-phone (for a refugee?) or the cyanide pills for when they contimplate their fabulous future.

3- OK, the earth is a desert, they're refugees, but they have a pet dog. Is that what the tree in the dome is for, so it can have something to pee against? Can't be, because they only do that to mark territory- BUT THEY LIVE IN A BUNKER IN THE DESERT.  BTW, how many other dogs swing by in the average week? Also, they need to drink the dog's pee to survive in the hellish future. Finally, what does the dog eat? I can only assume it's Soylent Green for Less Active Dogs Formula™.

4- Junior and dad (there seem to be nuclear families in the future- have the police been informed?) have nothing to do but wander around the place like it's some kind of exercise period in a Turkish prison. Maybe for Thanksgiving they venture out to shoot a giant Gila Monster or something.


The future's so bright I have to wear a welding mask.

Mandrake

Put the Phone Down, Kojak!

Lights In Sky Prompt Flood Of Calls In Md., Va., N.C.


"BALTIMORE -- A team of scientists is looking into what could have caused bright lights in the sky that prompted hundreds of calls to the National Weather Service and emergency officials. Callers from Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina described brilliant, streaking lights followed by an explosion-like sound around 9:45 p.m. Sunday."

Yes, this is really how it works, even in 2010

Dare I ask, who ARE these people that call the authorities every time they see lights in the sky?!!??! What about just commenting to the neighbours as you take your worn baseball cap off and scratch your head? Then maybe go inside and finish your bowl of grits.

What exactly do you say to The MAN under these circumstances?

Caller:           Is this the local weather authority?
Operator:   Yeah, I guess.
Caller:           I saw some lights in the sky!
Operator:   (pause)
Caller:           Hello?
Operator:   What kind of lights?
Caller:           Glowing lights.
Operator:   Well, its probably nothing. Go finish your grits.

Of course, we may be playing right into the hands of those curious fiends from the Popeye Nebula. The MAN gets a bunch of "Boy Who Cried Wolf" calls and goes right to sleep at the switch. The second the switch is spotted as being unattended by the Peeping-Tom Alien™, he cancels his visit to the backwoods shed he was going to peek into and reports home. There, the bored and indolent bureaucrats at the bottom of the warm purple sea take off their Space Age Co-Polymer hats, and scratch their big, round heads, then talk about forming a committee to look into the whole Earth/Switch issue.

Months later the project is shelved. The PTA is reassigned to Backwoods Shed Patrol.



So I guess we're safe.


Mandrake

Introducing the Peeping-Tom Alien ™

UFO Quack Jeff Peckman to Reveal Alien Video in Colorado 
"A few weeks shy of the July 2008 release of the X-Files sequel, aptly titled, “I want to Believe,” Jeff Peckman showed the world’s media his amazing alien video today. The secret video, which has captivated the world’s attention from trailer parks even as far away as Australia, was shown at the Tivoli Center on Auraria campus in Denver, Colorado. The conclusion? Inconclusive."
What a surprise…

Here's the amazing infra-red photo capturing the Alien in the act:

OK, let me get this straight. This Alien flies a million-trillion miles (at the cost of 48 zillion Krutongs) and all he does is stick his head through some hick's window AND gets caught doing it?!?!?!? I see unemployement in his future, or a job cleaning up socks in locker rooms at the bottom of the big purple ocean in the Popeye Nebula.

"Peeping-Tom Alien, your failed mission cost the indolent taxpayers of our advanced civilization 48 zillion Krutongs! I could just pinch you!"
 -First Incipient Ruuuthan, of the seventh moon


ADDITIONAL:
By an amazing stroke of pure luck, the Aliens from the Popeye Nebula speak to each other in word balloons that are visible when you squirt lemon juice onto Infra Red photos. The transcript is provided below:

Peeping Tom Alien: I'm going to take a second peek in the window.
Quaeznar (second Alien): Don't do it- you already looked once, that's
enough.
PTA: I don't think they saw me or took an Infra Red picture the first time.
Quaeznar: Hey, keep your tentacles to yourself!
PTA: That wasn't my tentacle.
Quaeznar: OK, quit joking around. Take another look and lets get out of
here.
PTA: (Taking a look) UH OH, I think the hick took an Infra Red picture of
me!
Quaeznar: Cheese it!

the conversation ends here

Mandrake

The Sign Guarding Earth's Most Secretest Underground Bunker

When I came upon this sign in the woods it freaked me out, but good!
Usually you just run into rusty soup cans, empty packs of cigarettes, or
the occasional human body being examined by The Peeping-Tom Alien™.
This sign's got everything. I'll try and interpret it for you:

On the left you have a guarantee that if you touch the wire you'll turn
into 'Electro' from the Spiderman comics! A sobering thought.
One the right, some sort of telekinetic Game of Death with a bear,
possibly Static the Bear, himself. Either that or it's saying that after
you get over the fence, you have to face the bear. If there were
enough room on the sign, they'd have the third tier of defense:
Axe wielding Circus Clowns with oversized pockets
full of Nitro Glycerin bottles.

The faded, smaller hand in the middle seems to have an Elk playing an
electric guitar- I guess Elk bands are not welcome here.

Note the toll-free number on the sign, if you're wondering what to get me
for Christmas.

Mandrake

Sudden Death Dinner Party

OK, what do we have here?

I'm not sure who's side I am on in this story... let's look at the different perspectives:

The Husband:
You've just finished 18 holes of golf without losing your 2-Wood or 3-Wood, clearly. You're hungry and so is your best friend, Steve, or whatever his name is. Your dishy early-1960's wife greets you both at the door with a Swanson TV-Brand Dinner. The SHAME! You would have done better to head over to the local maximum security prison, where you'd get the same meal, except you'd have to eat it with a wooden spoon (or a homemade shank). But you play it cool, and give the "excellent" hand signal, while you contemplate driving her head 400 yards down the fairway with your 2-Wood.

The Wife:
You've just finished vacuuming with your new vacuum machine and were about to sit down with a nice Martini in front of the radio and tune in to Amos & Andy, or something (I may be off by as much as forty years, here). The doorbell rings- it's your absentee husband. That's not all- he seems to have invited the hated Jimmy Olsen over for dinner!!!! The lousy hobo! You'll teach him, though. Quick as a rocketship, you blast into the kitchen and throw the giant turkey you have in the oven directly out the window for the dog to devour, while you break out the Swanson thing. That right suckers, ONE meal for the three of us.... Next time call ahead.

The Score?
Husband & Wife: 0
Jimmy Olsen: 1

Oh, What Secrets the Forests Hold

Letter from one of my nephews:
"On sunday, while walking through the forested areas of the Mountain,
I happened upon something remarkable in the woods. It was a true-to-life,
real Survival Lean-to!! Just sitting there, unused! Seemed very well
constructed, and, if that is the case, its must still be there!"

*******************************************

My Reply:

I built that one- don't touch it. In fact I have them all over the place- I
call them "Bug-Out Shelters", so that no matter where I am, I've got a
place to go. In a small concealed pit three paces to the west of all of
them you'll find the following items:

-Hatchet
-Reserve Emergency Hatchet
-Picture of Queen Elizabeth II with Hatchet marks already on it
-A can of Campbell's Cream of Cheddar Cheese
-Candle, painted to look like dynamite
-Dynamite, painted to look like a candle
-Secret coded document to remind me which one the dynamite is
-A bottle of Stella Artois
-Copy of Robinson Crusoe on Mars (DVD)


Sincerely,

Uncle Mandrake

Introducing The Ghost-Czar™

Aside from the Peeping-Tom alien™, and perhaps The Cardinal, I don't think I've ever got more mileage out of a character than the Ghost Czar™, Alexander II Romanov. Here are his critical stats:

   Ghost Czar (or Tsar)™
   Size: Moderate
   Weapons: Spectral Luger (automatic pistol)
   Fear Factor: Low*
   Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Back shooting™ with
   Spectral Luger followed by Loss of Liberty™
   Likeliness of Attack: Relatively High for socialists and cowards, both
   of whom are despised by the Ghost Czar™. Everyone else, very low
   Defense: None. Maybe hiding behind cases of Courvoisier and expensive
   paintings in the Winter Palace.
   Bad Move: Hanging out in movie theatre lobbies, or turning your back.

   *Since few people know about the Ghost Czar™, the fear level is
   commensurately low. However Lenin was known to jump out of his shoes at
   the pop of a champagne bottle, while Trotsky took to wearing a mask in
   his likeness on the back of his head, and wearing his coat backwards.
   Dzershinsky tried unsuccessfully to have his back surgically removed.
   After that, he wore a heavy guage steam pipe with arm-holes cut out of
   it, even in the shower.

   Additional: Why is the Ghost Czar™ in Such a Bad Mood™?
   How would YOU like it if you had to haunt the Winter Palace in
   St. Petersburg and have to watch communists drinking your fine
   wine and farting in your favorite chair?

  Getting in touch with the Ghost Czar:
  *Not recommended* unless you don't mind getting back-shot in a dark
  movie theatre lobby. Your capitalist and aristocratic credentials must be
  impeccable. If you've got your ducks in a row, however, flash the
  Faberge Egg Signal on one of our many cloudbanks to summon
  the Ghost Czar™.

Bears vs The Bogeyman: A Comparative Study

Comparative Threat Study:

Bear
Size: Large
Weapons: Teeth and claws
Fear Factor: Moderate
Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Severe mauling, including
possible loss of torso
Likeliness of Attack: Very Low, unless in forest, moderate.
Defense: Make yourself look big, play dead, get into your car. For
heroes, resort to hatchet.
Bad Move: Hide in your refrigerator.

Since there is a chance that an encounter with a bear can end with a
friendly tip of the hat, Bears do not weigh heavily on the minds of
people except campers, hermits, mountain men, poachers, drunken
frat boys and cowards. It weighs even less on people armed with guns
and the over-confident. Blowhards generally discount Bears as a
threat of any kind.

Bogeyman
Size: Moderate to Large
Weapons: ?*
Fear Factor: Existential
Likely Outcome of Hand-to-Hand Struggle: Ranges from strangling to
indescribable horror
Likeliness of Attack: Never/Extremely low
Defense: Keep lights on, never turn around, don't look into the bathroom
 mirror or at any windows at night.
Bad Move: Hide in your refrigerator.

*No preference of weapons has been definitively recorded for any
bogeyman.

A bogeyman is a supernatural enemy, so even blowhards say their prayers
on occasion. In fact the threat of a bogeyman is so immanent in the minds of
people that sometimes it's all that keeps society in check. Priests,
Nuns, Friars, and Monks do not fear the bogeyman, although some Pastors do.


This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by Mandrake

Hey Skeletons- What's So Funny?

The other day I read a story from Russia about some archaeologists getting
spooked by weird noises coming from the site of a battlefield they dug up.
What makes this story so phoney is that none of them claimed that laughing
skeletons chased them away. Does anyone know what exactly it is that is so
hysterical to skeletons? I guess it's the fact that bullets pass through
their rib-cages harmlessly and that they don't have to pay taxes anymore.
You know what would be disturbing? Looking out your window at night and
seeing a laughing skeleton parachuting into your backyard.

Good night!

Mandrake

3D Movies- Are Remakes of Past Films the Future!?!?

Apparently George Lucas is planning to remake ALL his Star Wars films using the 3D technology from the blockbuster Avatar. So now when Annakin Skywalker starts whining about how the Jedi gyped him out of being a Jedi Master, or how Yoda never tips him when he brings him a Space-Coffee, or whatever, it'll be like you're in the room with him!!! Or when the racist and perverted bartender at the Cantina on Tattoine sez "NO BLASTERS!" even though he has a huge collect of pictures of blaster-charred aliens like Greedo, you'll be able to tell he's lying through amazing 3D technology.

Another 3D remastering I'm looking forward to is "Lawerence of Arabia 3D", where you REALLY feel Alec Guiness' frustration with the British and French negotiators.

3D "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks will be the best though, because through the magic of Bluetooth technology, whenever he gets mail from Meg Ryan, it will automatically be texted to your iPhone.

The future is totally excellent.






Mandrake

Amsterdam Zoo Showdown

OK, this was a real article, but I punched it up a bit
(bold type are my additions)


 *********************

Bears eat monkey in front of zoo visitors

Associated Press
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch
zoo in front of horrified visitors and pleasantly surprised sickos,
witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the
Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary
macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned to find out
what electricity was, first hand. It recovered and fled onto a wooden
structure that it thought was Monkey Police Headquarters, where
one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area
where Sloth bears, great apes, Scientologists and Barbary macaques
have coexisted peacefully for a long time since the last brutal slaying,
the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday
while the monkey was on his way to see his Bookie."

"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such
a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and
remain wild animals," it said, even though some bears used an
electric fence to stun their prey and the monkey ran into a 
house.

Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident,
including photos, on his Facebook page. He said one Sloth bear
tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose but did succeed in
making it cry like a girl after it took refuge on the structure,
built by the Professor of crossing horizontal and vertical poles, 
palm fronds and coconuts.

Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it with pictures of 
naked bears, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and,
standing stretched on two legs, "used its sharp canines to pull the
macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch, where
it the bear shot it repeatedly with a Glock 9." The bear then
brought the animal to a concrete den, where three bears ate it, having
not had a meal since Goldilocks visit.

The zoo said it "usually wasn't possible" for keepers to intervene
when an animal killed another since this was a settling of accounts.
The park plans now to move the Barbary macaques - which are large
monkeys but often inaccurately called "Barbary Apes" - to another
part of the park, it said, where they won't be inaccurately labeled.

Mandrake

Spikey the Death Comet

"THIS amazing UFO has left scientists baffled — after boffins claimed it was NOT a comet streaking through space. Despite its tail they have ruled out it being a comet, as there is no gas in its trail."

******************************************

P/2010 A2, or as it is more commonly known, "Spikey the Death Comet", is
definely NOT Uncle Bile (my brother), because there is no gas in its tail.
However that doesn't mean we should fall asleep at the switch. Like a bottle rocket
launched by Frat boys, it could turn at any moment and crash into our
groins.



Mandrake

Stephen Hawking is Wrong About Aliens

"THE aliens are out there and Earth had better watch out, at least according
to Stephen Hawking. He has suggested that extraterrestrials are almost
certain to exist — but that instead of seeking them out, humanity should be
doing all it that can to avoid any contact."

***********************************************

Actually we've been sending radio waves into space for 60 years, so, too
late. There is hope, however; maybe all the aliens were clearing their
throats when our broadcasts arrived? I know what you're thinking- we've
been broadcasting continuously for over half a century- well, I happen to
know that it takes aliens about 80 years to clear their throats, even
longer for aliens with more than one throat.

If all else fails, we fall back on an old earth standby. When they land, we
greet them with boxes of flowers. When they reach for them, we suddenly
pull primitive ray-guns out of them and blast the hapless aliens, who
should have paid closer attention to earth culture, instead of lying
indolently at the bottom of their purple seas, listening to Amos & Andy.



Ha! Earth is the BEST

Mandrake

Mars is Laughing at Us- But Not for Long

*Photo of Martian Surface*

If we let the Martians get away with this, what's next? A 200 mile wide
image of Orson Well's bum with a huge canyon running vertically through it?

One of those mind-bending puzzles (sort of like a Sudoku but using
barnyard animals) etched across Olympus Mons, confusing telescope
equipped teenagers, and making them question all human values?
Or the final insult- clearing 1000 square miles of their planet's surface,
painting on a giant monopoly board, and then subtly placing the
Mars Rover on Boardwalk, when the martians have two hotels on it!?!?!?!?

There can only be one response- the thermonuclear type. Our war slogan?
"Reach for the Stars and to Hell with Mars!"

Mars delenda est!

Mandrake

Exoplanets are Not the Answer

"Hundreds of planets around other stars have been discovered recently,
but many centuries may pass before human eyes actually see them up close.
Ultimately mankind will have to colonize these worlds to survive and avoid
environmental catastrophe." 

***********************************************************

Hey, I'd be only too glad to move to a new planet, where french fries have
no cholesterol and bookies can no longer find me. Unfortunately the planets
they have found so far have their drawbacks:

Huge Planet circling large red star:
First of all the high gravity means fat guys don't stand a chance, and thin guys
will be pinned under their bedsheets. Secondly, the sky is always red, making
every street a red light district, confusing pimps and prostitutes and putting the
makers of Infra-Red goggles out of business.

All-Water worlds:
Well, reading a newspaper is now out of the question. Swimming will be the
only sport, boring people to death. You're local Red Lobster won't be a
restaurant, but your neighbour, possibly your town mayor.

Tiny moon circling a gas giant (like Jupiter):
18-hole golf courses will only exist in your dreams- even mini-putt courses
will only have 4 holes. On the upside, a full revolution of the moon will
only take three hours, so your work day will be considerably shorter.
Unfortunately everyone's mailbox will be choked with monthly magazines
and other periodicals every 36 hours.



Mandrake

Jimmy Olsen?!!?!? Don't Get Me Started

 
Are you as annoyed by Jimmy Olsen as I am? Look at him counting the filthy
money!

I think the worst thing about Jimmy Olsen is that he is uninteresting and
has a small vocabulary. After all, most of his comments are about Superman
doing something, like flipping pancakes at a County Fair, where he'd say
"Looks like he's doing some Super-Pancake flipping!!!", and there would be
a panel of Superman whipping up giant stacks of pancakes at super speed.
This is of course impossible- pancakes must take time to cook and must be
on a small area of the griddle. If it were to work, Superman would have to
use his heat-vision on pancakes in mid-air. Then, realizing he forgot the
syrup, Superman would have to stomp Jimmy into Orange Marmalade.

THE END

Mandrake

You Thought AVATAR Was Good? This is WAY better

What would make a great movie is where the humans land and demand
treasure from the natives. Then the natives say "with our brothers we will
share". Then the humans kill them all, go to the top of the hill and lift
the rock that guards the treasure, then look beneath it- "Peace on Earth"
was all it said. Then the angry humans shoot the alien corpses with
Ray-Guns for forty minutes, pausing only to use the lifeless bodies as
macabre puppets in some hideous, but funny, play. Then they find the gold
that the lying natives buried on the other side of the planet.

Cut! Print it!

Mandrake

Send Monsters Into Space

Space flight IS expensive, so we need to start thinking out of the box. The
current box is manned missions to Mars; clearly this won't happen anytime
soon. We have to start considering sending the hardiest and most expendable
earth creature into space- yes, I'm referring to the Gila Monster (aka Hila
Monster). An expendable Gila Monster space suit could be developed for
under 3 million dollars. Picture a Mars rover with a Gila Monster's front
legs tied to the controls as it roves all over the planet, its breath
partially fogging its helmet. Then picture an accidental explosion where
the little pilot is blown into the sky only to fall into the camera's view
looking sort of like a baked chicken with a tattered, smoking space suit on
it. Sad, yes! But Hiroshima it isn't. Money is saved, lives are saved,
what's not to like about this idea?

Synchonistic element- I was thinking of Gila Monsters seconds before I
wrote this email.
Interesting, No?

Mandrake

Naming Stuff After Yourself is Bad

100 years ago today Leo Fender was born, the inventor of the Fender guitar.
He humbly named it after himself (all artists are humble) in the tradition
of the following:

Sandwich- Earl of Sandwich
Xerox- Johnny Xerox
Breadbox- Albert H. Breadbox Jr.
Hatchet- Chet Hatt
Hammer- Hammurabi
Glucose- Glenn Close








Mandrake

Advice to Co-Workers Going on Holiday

Folks,

Just to make sure we all get back here refreshed and ready to be
productive, here is some advice to consider:

1) In the event that the hot-air balloon you're flying in explodes, don't
walk into the light- there is work on your desk that still need taking
care of.

2) If you are strip-searched by Turkish border guards and they find the
Uranium ingots you taped to your body, tell them you don't know how they
got there; They'll probably let you go. If not, tell them there is work on your
desk that needs doing. That should convince them.

3) When getting into the barrel to go over Niagara Falls, bring a laptop so
you can finish off some paperwork,like efficiency reports during any down-time.
Be sure you can pick up a wireless network when the lid is closed.

4) Time Travellers should remember this important rule- if captured by
Romans, Mesopotamians, Nazis, Communists, or French Revolutionaries, tell
them nothing about the company's brilliant morale/productivity boosting plans
like 'Pizza Thursday', no matter what they do to you.

Now you'e ready for your vacation.

Mandrake

Government Lasers; my idea is better

*Solid-State Laser Ready For On-Board Tests*
A U.S. Navy plan to test a high-power laser against the small-boat threat
to its warships provides the first real opportunity to transition electric lasers
from the laboratory to the field, says Northrop Grumman, which has won
a $98-million contract for the Maritime Laser Demonstration (MLD).
**********************************************************

THIS is a barrage balloon

Dear Sirs,

Sounds expensive. My idea is cheaper and more effective. What you do, see,
is take some of the Barrage Balloons out of mothballs and float them over
each military ship. Then when unidentified boats come close, you project a
movie against it, the type of movie depending on the range to target. If
they are in the outer danger zone, you show a movie of a guy being put in
handcuffs and manhandled into the back of a police cruiser, or someone
kacking on their flag. The closer the boats get to the ship, the movies
become more explicit, until they are showing a closeup of somebody's nards
getting crushed by a berserk gorilla, or a Sea Javelin missile incinerating
their favorite restaurant.

The danger of course in a counter measure like somehow projecting a shadow
of someone making a rabbit sign on the screen.

Sincerely,

Mandrake